Being in a relationship is fun. It has been for me and Sean for going 3 years now. It has been for many of my friends who say they are still in love with their partners and had been together for more than 5 years. Having a so-called partner, for me pushes me to grow faster (mentally, spiritually and emotionally speaking). It urges me to serve, to be more patient, forgiving and to be kind. To have someone to share things with, whether it be simple meals, deep hurts or corny jokes you heard during the day. But my question is, if being in a relationship is so good, then why are there so many brokenhearted wives and fed up husbands? Why can’t we see our parents in love as much as they were before?
This post is an outlet of gratitude for the privilege of learning about what and how to make make marriages work as how God designed it. More of this in ‘Love and Respect’ by Emerson Eggerichs.
Men and women are very different beings. We don’t need Science to explain that. It’s obvious! Just look at the shoes they wear. But what’s not obvious is that men and women have VERY different needs.
LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND
Because of what we see in movies and hear in popular songs, love love love is what we need to make relationships work. Half true. Half false.
Let’s rewind. During courtship stage, when a man is pursuing a woman, he speaks her language of LOVE. He spends time with her, does things that please her, picks her up and brings her home during dates, sends her gifts and of course, tells her how he feels when she is with him. He wouldn’t miss the mark in making her feel loved because he is inspired and motivated to do so. Take note ladies, not just by his feelings (emotions) but more importantly so, because of YOU. Let me explain.
When a woman is being courted by a man she likes, she shows him approval. She shows appreciation for the things that he did-the time spent together (even if it were just a drop-off), simple gifts, acts of service and the words that blow her away. So what happened?
As the author puts it, he wears blue eyeglasses and blue hearings aids while we wear pink eyeglasses and pink hearing aids. I love his example of this:
When a man says “I have nothing to wear”, he means he has nothing clean.
When a woman says, “I have nothing to wear”, she means she has nothing new.
Being a woman, I totally agree. And I asked Sean if it were true for a male, and he immediately responded with a resounding yes. This is just one of the basic things in life (clothing), what more about others.
So how can a man and a woman live happily ever after?
HIS AND HER DEEPEST NEED
Men spell love as R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Men have an honor code. Most of the time, men stonewall when in conflict with women. They go straight to the point in telling you what they want and how they want it (which may seem to be unloving for women). They wouldn’t want to say more because they wouldn’t want to blurt unnecessary things which may dishonor, disrespect others. This is their honor system.
Women on the other hand, are wired to take care and fix things. Women usually express more easily what they feel and want through words (which may seem controlling or nagging for men). When a woman draws closer to a man, especially during conflicts, she wants her partner to be open to her. She wants to understand him. This is how she shows LOVE.
Marriage is tough. According to what I hear and witness with my parents, we will only be able to see completely who our partner is when we are under the same roof. Conflict is inevitable. Turns out, he does a handful of things you wouldn’t even imagine he does. And she could talk venomously non-stop.
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.-1 Peter 3:1.
Contrary to what the world dictates, respect is not earned. It should be given. Most husbands have been discouraged by their wives unintentionally because of disappointments and unforgiven hurts. What many women are not aware of is that, they have much power to motivate their men to love them more than they could have ever imagined by giving them unconditional respect.
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.-1 Peter 3:7.
Due to the pink and blue hearing and visual aids, you have mistaken each other’s comments and actions to be against one other. Instead of stonewalling your woman, men, we highly encourage you to take on the action and take that bold step to unconditionally love your wife. Surely, this will not turn sour especially because you are obedient to God’s Word.
In all, these are just some of the things I’m learning along the way to the narrower road of marriage. These things build a good foundation for me to keep strong and know my partner better.
I urge you to do the same.